There is so little between the life we want and the one we’ve settled for. I think it must be a breath. The one we take slowly, and are scared to release. There is a moment, between the inhale and the exhale, that the future reveals itself. It always comes with sacrifice…with comprise, and yet, with clarity. And it leaves too quickly.
The truth is scary, it haunts us. Seeking it takes balls, a fortitude of strength you forgot long ago you had. Like an untrained muscle, it pulses and aches when you begin to stir it from sleep. I spent so much time training the wrong parts of me. Marriage, family, love meant handling things. Happiness sunk to the bottom depths of me, and I highlighted the weakest parts of our love–sex twice a week, family game nights. These things meant everything would be ok, except they weren’t.
I don’t walk away from people. I stick. I fix. But not walking away from him, means walking away from that breath…that moment where my future exists…and then it is gone again.
I want to breathe again.