Time passing is supposed to be slow, yet I can feel its movement on my face. It’s a cool breeze, the type you don’t notice until it stops. It reminds me of a slow whirlwind, as though my future is stuck chasing time’s past. This is happening around me and in me, I can watch it happen and feel it happen all at the same time.
As it spins me, I try to find my footing. It reminds me of the first few seconds on a merry-go-round. I’m not dizzy yet, but soon will be. I try to find my barring, focus on something on the horizon, and wait as I gain momentum. I’m stuck going slow, but anticipating fast.
While searching for that stable place on the horizon, I swear I caught a glimpse of who I was supposed to be. She’s different, has hair made of fire. She’s on the run, swiftly embarking on the journey I forgot to take.
I’m trying to find something common between that girl and me. Something common in that journey and the one I chose. But it feels now like the life I never chose, chose me. A moment of pause to take stock of my life. I never wanted this and thank God for this all at once. Here I am again…refusing to choose the pieces of me that are the loudest.
I used to think broken things were meant to be put together again. Pieces confused me, I needed things to be whole. And so I repaired the items and people in my life with glue and a lot of pressure. I heard once a broken bone renewed was actually stronger than its previous self. Cracks adhere to each former piece and literally disappear.
But the idea now that I am a unique, stable, whole self is laughable. As the merry-go-round turns, I see piece after piece after piece of a changeable, confusing, complicated me. I am that girl with fire hair, and I am that woman trying to find a stable place on the horizon. I am the future and time’s past all at once.
Catch me if you can.